Melting. or the feeling of pouring my heart out, like water.

Ive been in another country for 2 weeks now, i leave in 2 days. im in brazil right now, its been fun, im tired and ready to return home. ive been feeling a sense of urgency to return, but at the same time i want to stay, and stare at all the foreign things that are right in front of me all the time. what makes this even worse is ive been subjecting myself to music that probably doesnt help my mental state at all. im not feeling depressed or any type of anguish, im just feeling the typical….”melancholic takeover”.

“brother, you gotta chill” i say to myself in my mind. but how to i chill? thats a difficult thing to mull over in my mind, as its a cyclical thing.

i dated this girl once, she said try not to focus on the past or future and live in the “now”. i always thought that was absolutely ridiculous, because how can i not think about things that were, and things that will be? the future is out of my hands, and the past already ran its course. so i sit here, in a melancholic state, listening to the late jason molina, thinking about how im going to stay positive about my self and my life in the coming days, weeks, months, years, decades.

im not trying to get at anything with this post, maybe im just using it to outgas some bullsh*t on my brain wrinkles. Jason Molina, now capitalized.. sorry man. im listening to your music right now. every song i make is in some slight piece inspired by you in a way. i wish i could have had a hello with you at some point. when ive “ran my course” ill see you up there, and see you with that blue factory flame.

Typed this on my iphone

Uh, I have been wanting to post a new thing here for a while but have not had the energy to do so. Right now, im in Brazil with family. I have not been here for years, and it feels slightly surreal. Half of me feels strange because its been so long since ive seen all these familiar things, and the other half also feels strange because it feels like I was here visiting a year ago, when in fact its been 7 years.

Getting to this country is not the most comfortable thing for me, im six one, and airplane seating is only getting smaller by the year. The flight itself is extremely long for what im used to, and i am terrified of flying in general. my mom always says “flying is the safest form of travel, you shouldnt be so scared”. The safest form of travel in my opinion is walking, and i cant just walk here so..

Out in the country is my favorite part of coming here. its away from all the hustling city noise and all i hear are birds, bats, monkeys, bugs, and the stream thats nearby down the hill (ill probably go swimming in there later if it warms up a little).

I have two books with me:

-”The snow leopard” by Peter Matthiessen

this book has been a difficult one to read. dont get me wrong, i really like it, but his writing style is so strange its hard to get used to.. im almost done with it

-“Authority” by Jeff Vandermeer

this book i have not started yet, i brought it as the one ill start when i finish the snow leopard. its book two in a trilogy of science fiction books. the first book titled “Annihilation” is probably one of my favorite recent books i read. and im probably part of the small group of people who also liked the movie, which loosely follows the book in a way, but makes it more stunning and theatrical, obviously.

Anyways, going to go to a german restaurant for lunch today, then continue to chill. ill update again in a few days probably, if i remember.

cheers,

Eric