Melting. or the feeling of pouring my heart out, like water.

Ive been in another country for 2 weeks now, i leave in 2 days. im in brazil right now, its been fun, im tired and ready to return home. ive been feeling a sense of urgency to return, but at the same time i want to stay, and stare at all the foreign things that are right in front of me all the time. what makes this even worse is ive been subjecting myself to music that probably doesnt help my mental state at all. im not feeling depressed or any type of anguish, im just feeling the typical….”melancholic takeover”.

“brother, you gotta chill” i say to myself in my mind. but how to i chill? thats a difficult thing to mull over in my mind, as its a cyclical thing.

i dated this girl once, she said try not to focus on the past or future and live in the “now”. i always thought that was absolutely ridiculous, because how can i not think about things that were, and things that will be? the future is out of my hands, and the past already ran its course. so i sit here, in a melancholic state, listening to the late jason molina, thinking about how im going to stay positive about my self and my life in the coming days, weeks, months, years, decades.

im not trying to get at anything with this post, maybe im just using it to outgas some bullsh*t on my brain wrinkles. Jason Molina, now capitalized.. sorry man. im listening to your music right now. every song i make is in some slight piece inspired by you in a way. i wish i could have had a hello with you at some point. when ive “ran my course” ill see you up there, and see you with that blue factory flame.

Typed this on my iphone

Uh, I have been wanting to post a new thing here for a while but have not had the energy to do so. Right now, im in Brazil with family. I have not been here for years, and it feels slightly surreal. Half of me feels strange because its been so long since ive seen all these familiar things, and the other half also feels strange because it feels like I was here visiting a year ago, when in fact its been 7 years.

Getting to this country is not the most comfortable thing for me, im six one, and airplane seating is only getting smaller by the year. The flight itself is extremely long for what im used to, and i am terrified of flying in general. my mom always says “flying is the safest form of travel, you shouldnt be so scared”. The safest form of travel in my opinion is walking, and i cant just walk here so..

Out in the country is my favorite part of coming here. its away from all the hustling city noise and all i hear are birds, bats, monkeys, bugs, and the stream thats nearby down the hill (ill probably go swimming in there later if it warms up a little).

I have two books with me:

-”The snow leopard” by Peter Matthiessen

this book has been a difficult one to read. dont get me wrong, i really like it, but his writing style is so strange its hard to get used to.. im almost done with it

-“Authority” by Jeff Vandermeer

this book i have not started yet, i brought it as the one ill start when i finish the snow leopard. its book two in a trilogy of science fiction books. the first book titled “Annihilation” is probably one of my favorite recent books i read. and im probably part of the small group of people who also liked the movie, which loosely follows the book in a way, but makes it more stunning and theatrical, obviously.

Anyways, going to go to a german restaurant for lunch today, then continue to chill. ill update again in a few days probably, if i remember.

cheers,

Eric

 Weeks, Days, and the looming feeling of being alone.

The past year has been nothing but an up and down roller coaster in my life. To be frank, it has not been anything extremely negative, or life altering in any way, it has just been kind of weird. I started this post out pretty heavy, so I will bring it back a notch.

its easy to be in your head too much, and its hard to remove yourself from that space. I know this all too well, and I am slowly learning to not feel as such. Why would I go out of my way to interact with people, when its such an exhausting task? I always think of this Albert Camus quote:

"Nobody realises that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal "

Sometimes I feel this explains my current life, which is something I do not want. I tend to think people find me not interesting, or maybe slightly irritating. The fact of the matter is that I am neither of those, and even more, other people's opinions should never dictate how I should feel. There is good in most people, and I believe, everyone deserves a chance to be loved, and accepted. I am almost resorting to a romantic form of thought right now, which is funny.

Listening to music alone in my room,  its a Thursday afternoon, and its fucking cold outside. Ive been listening to a band called Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin. This song called"Anna Lee" is great, and has short lyrics. 

my favorite line: "If you were me/ Would you grab for all the good things that you see?"

In fact, maybe I would. 

 I miss my dog, Mabel. Im going to get her name tattooed on me for the second time, large as hell.

love,

E

 

 Recently I have been really in to listening to a band called HOOD.

From Leeds, they blend a king of indie/ post-rock sound with sampled beats and glitchy effects, along with actual recorded studio drums and whatnot. Somewhere along the lines of trip hop but with weird fuzzed out pedal tones and great guitar work. the song " S.E. Rain Patterns", a 9 minute and 45 second song, with about at 2 minute ambient intro before guitar comes in is A beautiful song which makes me personally feel i am slowly drowning. They do great work setting a tone for not only the song, but whatever EP or album it is present on. Another song, "I held her in my arms", is short and sweet. Its sound is grimy and quick, and ends before you know it. This brings me to my favorite song they have ever made. It is pretty simple, and sample heavy (from what i could tell). The title is "For a moment, Lost". There have been many times in the past few years i come to this song when i am not feeling okay, and want to be alone. I dont mean to make this depressing or some kind of weird diary entry, its just the fact that this song evokes a wild emotion inside me i would not otherwise feel listening to most other things. Its strange. I guess my point in talking about this band is that its unlike anything ive ever heard, and connects with me on a deeper level than most music does. They even inspire me to make similar sounding music, because i believe this is the type of sound ive looked to make the whole time ive personally made music. I get in a rut all the time when making and recording tracks, but always come back to HOOD for inspiration. My dear friend albert is a huge inpiration on me as well when it comes to music, art, and many other aspects of my life. we both strongly connect over the music HOOD has created and in turn have probably made us more open minded and better musicians in each others eyes. such a strange thing music does to people, positive or negative. I could never imagine not being able to hear anything, or going deaf in my mid life.

 Hey all,

This is my first post on here. I am not exactly sure what I will be writing about but one day it will come to mind. My personal goal for this is to be able to pour out my thoughts on things into a single space where, if one would like to read it, they can. I am not the best writer, but i believe I can explain things in a way anyone can understand. 

I will probably end up talking about music, movies, life, books, and more. I have been all over the place in the past few months of my life, spending alot of time alone and thinking about things. I listen to a lot of music, and look into many things that really mean nothing in the long run. I get bored and look at the sky or stand in the kitchen and stare out the window at the clouds. I wake up early and feel the cold on my face when i walk to the bus. 

anyways, i will post something else again soon.

thanks.

eric